Professor Cahill's Travel 101

Somewhere in my cramped closet, filled with yearbooks, photos, books, cassettes, shiny ties, and a flare gun,(absolutely no need for it, but its still one of my favorite possessions), is a box of papers that just says "John's Files". In that box is a cream colored file folder containing an article I cut out of Outside Magazine from the January 1997 issue. The article is entitled "Professor Cahill's Travel 101", and I always read it before I leave the U.S. It's written by one of the most excellent travel writers I have ever read: Tim Cahill. Think of Dave Barry with a machete and an English-Urdu phrasebook, and you are close. Anyway, this article is a crash course for any adventure traveler. There are 20 important rules that will help your trip be meaningful. Now I realize I'm not climbing Mount Everest, or going into the Amazon, but going to another country on my own for three weeks is one of the bravest things I have done. Here's the list:

Rule 1: Avoid Psychotic Travel Companions.
Rule 1, corollary 1: The most carefully chosen travel companions become psychotic.
Rule 1, corollary 2: Psychosis is contagious.

Rule 2: Have a quest.
"The quest is the most significant and consequential of all travel plans"

Rule 3: Exercise ordinary caution.
"Never, never, never put a marshmallow in your mouth and try to feed a bear."

Rule 4: You are the protagonist.
"You are the driving force. Make your myth a good one."

Rule 5: Boredom greases the cogs in the machinery of marvels.
"Bring along a big book. And remember...Boredom is the price we pay for marvels."

Rule 6: Stop whining.
Rule 6, corollary 1: This can't be stressed enough. No one wants to hear about your last bowel movement.

Rule 7: Read guidebooks.
Rule 7, corollary 1: Expect the books to be wrong or out of date.

Rule 8: It ain't about money.
Simply put, Cahill says don't spend all your time trying to save money. Don't try to bargain everyone down to nothing, use money to accomplish your quest-it should not become a barrier between you and the people you want to know.

Rule 9: Don't worry about too much gear.
Cahill packs the following in his kit: Immodium AD, a seat pad, hot sauce, dental floss, a Leatherman tool, duct tape, and a big book. A man after my own heart.

Rule 10: Don't follow rules.
"This is probably the most important rule."

Rule 11: Try the local foods.
"If you are a picky eater, stay home."
Rule 11, corollary 1: Take the usual precautions, but expect to get sick anyway.
Rule 11, corollary 2: See Rule 6, corollary 1.

Rule 12: Learn the rudiments of the local language.

Rule 13: You are the foreigner, d--------.
(sorry for the censorship, but my mom reads this.)

Rule 14: The "natives" have their pride.
Cahill says that we need to "inquire about the nature of the national soul."

Rule 15: Schedule a rest day now and then.
"Exhaustion seldom engenders insight"

Rule 16: Don't drink too much in a little basement bar just off a street called Florida in Buenos Aires...

Rule 17: Don't become involved with your guide.

Rule 18: Wait until the last possible moment to punch out disagreeable traveling companions.

Rule 19: Mold experience into stories as a mnemonic device.
"Guides and professional travelers mold the clay of experience into stories. All guides believe their stories are unforgettable. Some of them are.
Rule 19, corollary 1: You don't have to be a guide to tell guide stories.
Rule 19, corollary 2: All guide stories begin: "No sh--, there I was..."
Rule 19, corollary 3: The worse the experience, the better the story.
Therefore...

Rule 20: There are no bad experiences.

Juanito

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